Last Thursday, September 15, seemed like any other cloudy warm day. It was almost the day I perished.
I'd just finished writing my new nonfiction book after 2 months of heavy work. I'm not used to that much hard writing at a shot, and it wore me out mentally. I was exhausted; got up at 3am Wednesday and finished the last bit by 6am. At 7, The Crazy Canuck and I went off to a yoga class. He'd stayed for another week after Baby Doll left to go back to work in central Mexico.
The class was uneventful, although, as with every new class, there were some new stretches, and angles. I hit the weights afterward but not too much. So when I got up Thursday morning, I had a couple of sore spots. Canuck was sleeping in so I went off to try the pilates class. It was uneventful, but some of the exercises hit muscles I don't usually hit, and in different ways. Afterward, I hit the weight circuit a bit again.
That afternoon, Canuck was up for a workout so we walked to the gym and he did some spinning while I did weights; he did some stretching and pushups and I stayed in the weightroom. Afterward, he wanted to take a dip in the cold Pacific -- it's great for the post-workout muscles, and we'd done it a couple of times since he arrived, which was more times than I'd been in that water all year. It's just too cold, and the beach isn't so nice. But the sunsets are gorgeous to look at.
I donned my short wetsuit, and he was still looking to buy one, so we stopped in at a used clothing store on the beach. No wetsuits, so we walked down to the beach, set our things down, and he grabbed his goggles.
We waded in---oooohh, damn it was cold! I got the first splash in, spraying Canuck with cold droplets while my wetsuit fended off his return splashes. The water got deeper and we dove in. I'd told him I wanted to get a good workout, try to keep moving for 20 minutes, so I was running in the water, taking bigger and bigger strides to stretch out this hip muscle that's been bothering me.
When my a-hole high school track coach had me run a pre-season race my senior year after I'd already injured my back with another of his stupid ideas (doing field events indoors, since it was raining, and I missed the high jump cushion, landing with all my weight on the hard floor and jarring my back hard), permanently injuring it then - running in the water was the only way I was able to get back on the track and even then, I was never the same. Like Bo Jackson. Um, sort of.
So I'm running, and paddling some, and the waves got bigger, and bigger, and I was leaping off the ocean floor high to the top of the waves, all the while, laughing, playing, and joking with Canuck. It was invigorating.
Suddenly -- and I mean within seconds, I turned and we were separated, he was 40 or 50 yards away, and I was going further out, so I swam as hard as I could, looked up, and I was even further out. I tried again and was going nowhere. Then all the things they tell you about drowning started to happen. I was confused. Fatigue set in. Things weren't right.
I could see Canuck making his way back to shore and I could see a yellow truck and red lifeguard suits. Something was being barked through a megaphone. One of my contact lenses came off and the whole scene went blurry. I was panting for air, really tiring, and it got serious.
Here's a poem I wrote a few nights ago (between sobs):
MY NEAR DROWNING
by Robert F. Smallwood
A cloudy September day over the sea
ordinary, gray;
vast, sleepy waves
surging
Rolling surf nears the shore
growing, gaining power
we wade in
BRRRR! It's cold!
Colder than it should be
on a warm day
SPLASH! A playful volley
SPLASH! SPLASH! It's returned
laughter
bounding in, jumping,
squealing like kids
embracing the cold
Pacific waters
loving them
refreshed by them
foamy gray waves
rise crash and fizz
I leap in rhythm
bounding high
buoyed by the surf
kicking as joyously
as a little boy
Again.
A wave rises
and rolls in
I spring up
off the ocean's floor
leaping high
like Superman!
running and kicking
salty cool waters
welcoming waters
as if I can fly
in the Ocean
A few more seconds of joy
Then, so fast it was a blink
I see my friend
halfway to shore
struggling
and me
pushed out to sea.
The shore seemed
too far off
Something wasn't right
I looked for the
next wave
Tried to launch with
my legs
kicking maniacally
head down, pumping
arms overhead
putting all my strength
into battling back
to shore
But when I looked up
gasping for breath
the shore was farther
than before
So I swam
harder, this time
as fast as I could
pounding
those monstrous
waves
Slapped in the face
with a crest
lungs burning
panting hard
heart pounding full force
another crest smacks my head
from the other direction
like a right hook from a boxer
to finish me off
I lose a lens
and things become blurry
and worse
Struggling more
paddling arms and legs
almost flailing
gasping, panting
now wheezes
There isn't enough air
My limbs become leaden
Heavy and tired
in the icy waters
Heart is leaping out of my chest
there is no Rest;
I look to the shore
and see a small blurred crowd
gathering to watch
I see a truck
I see the red blot
of lifeguards
I hear garbled noise
from a megaphone
It's loud
but I can't hear
what they're saying
I am so tired
There is no Rest
hard to breathe
not enough air
water everywhere
I can see the shore
with all my effort
all my Strength
all my determination
I cannot beat it.
Failure.
I am fighting
for my Life
wheezing and coughing
and splashing
I wonder
'Why don't they help me?'
'Where is a jetski?'
'Why don't they help me?'
I'm confused
exhausted
tired as I've ever been
I raise my hand slowly
in defeat
"help" comes out of my mouth
It's not a word I've used
It seems foreign
traveling through my brain
and out of my lips
"Help!" Again, a little louder
but weak
I knew they couldn't hear
I hoped they could see
I was in Trouble
'Why don't they help me?'
my hand dropped into the water
to help the other
I was in real trouble
and I knew it
I paddled and panted
Suddenly a voice, close
right behind me
Words, fast and unintelligible
Spanish
I turn
A brown-faced teen
with big shoulders
threw a float over me
He went to work
securing the harness
Rattling off more words
I didn't understand
But that thin yellow float
a beautiful bright yellow
was the best thing
the most cherished thing
I'd ever laid my hands on.
Some relief,
He ducked his shock of raven hair
underwater
and I was pulled,
propelled quick
with animal power
Like a porpoise
with a purpose
as if a dolphin
were towing me
the kind of strength
I no longer had
Maybe never had
I tried to help
kicking, flailing
hoping the joint effort
would help us both
Survive.
He moved swiftly
diagonally
through the sea waters
toward the shore
He popped up
and said something
It didn't register
He went back to slapping the waters
Powerful, brave
Otherworldly strokes
of marine power
that few humans
ever possess
We got nearer
a foot touched down and skidded
I'm panting harder
as hard as ever
He drags me
I try to get to my feet
I stumble
He keeps dragging
I stagger
Like a roped steer
finally get my feet
under me
The current is only
knee high now
but it's still strong
trying to pull me into
the rip current
I'm staggering forward
He's pulling the rope
we make it to shore - unsteadily
My friend is there
I'm still alive
(I'm supposed to be here, for now)
I feel feeble, never so feeble
Weak, tired, old, depleted, grateful,
humbled, tired, scared, happy,
thankful, regretful, tired
and so very stunned.
I'd just finished writing my new nonfiction book after 2 months of heavy work. I'm not used to that much hard writing at a shot, and it wore me out mentally. I was exhausted; got up at 3am Wednesday and finished the last bit by 6am. At 7, The Crazy Canuck and I went off to a yoga class. He'd stayed for another week after Baby Doll left to go back to work in central Mexico.
The class was uneventful, although, as with every new class, there were some new stretches, and angles. I hit the weights afterward but not too much. So when I got up Thursday morning, I had a couple of sore spots. Canuck was sleeping in so I went off to try the pilates class. It was uneventful, but some of the exercises hit muscles I don't usually hit, and in different ways. Afterward, I hit the weight circuit a bit again.
That afternoon, Canuck was up for a workout so we walked to the gym and he did some spinning while I did weights; he did some stretching and pushups and I stayed in the weightroom. Afterward, he wanted to take a dip in the cold Pacific -- it's great for the post-workout muscles, and we'd done it a couple of times since he arrived, which was more times than I'd been in that water all year. It's just too cold, and the beach isn't so nice. But the sunsets are gorgeous to look at.
I donned my short wetsuit, and he was still looking to buy one, so we stopped in at a used clothing store on the beach. No wetsuits, so we walked down to the beach, set our things down, and he grabbed his goggles.
We waded in---oooohh, damn it was cold! I got the first splash in, spraying Canuck with cold droplets while my wetsuit fended off his return splashes. The water got deeper and we dove in. I'd told him I wanted to get a good workout, try to keep moving for 20 minutes, so I was running in the water, taking bigger and bigger strides to stretch out this hip muscle that's been bothering me.
When my a-hole high school track coach had me run a pre-season race my senior year after I'd already injured my back with another of his stupid ideas (doing field events indoors, since it was raining, and I missed the high jump cushion, landing with all my weight on the hard floor and jarring my back hard), permanently injuring it then - running in the water was the only way I was able to get back on the track and even then, I was never the same. Like Bo Jackson. Um, sort of.
So I'm running, and paddling some, and the waves got bigger, and bigger, and I was leaping off the ocean floor high to the top of the waves, all the while, laughing, playing, and joking with Canuck. It was invigorating.
Suddenly -- and I mean within seconds, I turned and we were separated, he was 40 or 50 yards away, and I was going further out, so I swam as hard as I could, looked up, and I was even further out. I tried again and was going nowhere. Then all the things they tell you about drowning started to happen. I was confused. Fatigue set in. Things weren't right.
I could see Canuck making his way back to shore and I could see a yellow truck and red lifeguard suits. Something was being barked through a megaphone. One of my contact lenses came off and the whole scene went blurry. I was panting for air, really tiring, and it got serious.
Here's a poem I wrote a few nights ago (between sobs):
MY NEAR DROWNING
by Robert F. Smallwood
A cloudy September day over the sea
ordinary, gray;
vast, sleepy waves
surging
Rolling surf nears the shore
growing, gaining power
we wade in
BRRRR! It's cold!
Colder than it should be
on a warm day
SPLASH! A playful volley
SPLASH! SPLASH! It's returned
laughter
bounding in, jumping,
squealing like kids
embracing the cold
Pacific waters
loving them
refreshed by them
foamy gray waves
rise crash and fizz
I leap in rhythm
bounding high
buoyed by the surf
kicking as joyously
as a little boy
Again.
A wave rises
and rolls in
I spring up
off the ocean's floor
leaping high
like Superman!
running and kicking
salty cool waters
welcoming waters
as if I can fly
in the Ocean
A few more seconds of joy
Then, so fast it was a blink
I see my friend
halfway to shore
struggling
and me
pushed out to sea.
The shore seemed
too far off
Something wasn't right
I looked for the
next wave
Tried to launch with
my legs
kicking maniacally
head down, pumping
arms overhead
putting all my strength
into battling back
to shore
But when I looked up
gasping for breath
the shore was farther
than before
So I swam
harder, this time
as fast as I could
pounding
those monstrous
waves
Slapped in the face
with a crest
lungs burning
panting hard
heart pounding full force
another crest smacks my head
from the other direction
like a right hook from a boxer
to finish me off
I lose a lens
and things become blurry
and worse
Struggling more
paddling arms and legs
almost flailing
gasping, panting
now wheezes
There isn't enough air
My limbs become leaden
Heavy and tired
in the icy waters
Heart is leaping out of my chest
there is no Rest;
I look to the shore
and see a small blurred crowd
gathering to watch
I see a truck
I see the red blot
of lifeguards
I hear garbled noise
from a megaphone
It's loud
but I can't hear
what they're saying
I am so tired
There is no Rest
hard to breathe
not enough air
water everywhere
I can see the shore
with all my effort
all my Strength
all my determination
I cannot beat it.
Failure.
I am fighting
for my Life
wheezing and coughing
and splashing
I wonder
'Why don't they help me?'
'Where is a jetski?'
'Why don't they help me?'
I'm confused
exhausted
tired as I've ever been
I raise my hand slowly
in defeat
"help" comes out of my mouth
It's not a word I've used
It seems foreign
traveling through my brain
and out of my lips
"Help!" Again, a little louder
but weak
I knew they couldn't hear
I hoped they could see
I was in Trouble
'Why don't they help me?'
my hand dropped into the water
to help the other
I was in real trouble
and I knew it
I paddled and panted
Suddenly a voice, close
right behind me
Words, fast and unintelligible
Spanish
I turn
A brown-faced teen
with big shoulders
threw a float over me
He went to work
securing the harness
Rattling off more words
I didn't understand
But that thin yellow float
a beautiful bright yellow
was the best thing
the most cherished thing
I'd ever laid my hands on.
Some relief,
He ducked his shock of raven hair
underwater
and I was pulled,
propelled quick
with animal power
Like a porpoise
with a purpose
as if a dolphin
were towing me
the kind of strength
I no longer had
Maybe never had
I tried to help
kicking, flailing
hoping the joint effort
would help us both
Survive.
He moved swiftly
diagonally
through the sea waters
toward the shore
He popped up
and said something
It didn't register
He went back to slapping the waters
Powerful, brave
Otherworldly strokes
of marine power
that few humans
ever possess
We got nearer
a foot touched down and skidded
I'm panting harder
as hard as ever
He drags me
I try to get to my feet
I stumble
He keeps dragging
I stagger
Like a roped steer
finally get my feet
under me
The current is only
knee high now
but it's still strong
trying to pull me into
the rip current
I'm staggering forward
He's pulling the rope
we make it to shore - unsteadily
My friend is there
I'm still alive
(I'm supposed to be here, for now)
I feel feeble, never so feeble
Weak, tired, old, depleted, grateful,
humbled, tired, scared, happy,
thankful, regretful, tired
and so very stunned.
